Futility

I have come to realise that someone somewhere in this department does not like me. There is a job going here, which I have applied for. It is essentially the job I am already doing, but is the next level up. It has been widely acknowledged that I am already performing at and above this level. I am responsible for managing capture in a team where I  am the lowest paid/ranked member. And no doubt, whoever gets this job, I will be the one training and mentoring them. I know, not because anyone has told me, but simply by way of where I sit (and can therefore hear) that there were 11 applicants for this job. They have been instructed to only interview the top 3. Guess what number I am? 4. Simply because I don't have a STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING PAPER THAT SAYS I CAN DO THE JOB I ALREADY DO AND HAVE BEEN DOING FOR 8 FUCKING YEARS.

Chances are, I am probably better qualified to do the job because I am already doing it. But that doesn't matter. Because someone has decreed that I don't get an interview. Pisses me off. not much I can do either because if thats what HR has decided, even if I appeal that will be the answer I get. And its perfectly alright.

Think I might start looking for a new job, closer to home. I am going to walk out the door & take all of the knowledge I have built up & to hell with this place. Another example of the govt making it deliberatly hard & losing good staff in the process(which costs them even more money).

Things I hate..

Number one hate.. Job applications.. they suck. I know I can do the job, that's why I am applying.. I am already doing the job, so why do I have to apply? It sucks.. I hate it. The gut churning fear that you didn't say enough or gulp, way too much. Then the dread that drags you down, when you start worrying about getting an interview.. especially when you are already doing the job!!! Double gulp. Did I mention I hate job applications?

One good thing of note..  I passed my unit this semester... yay :)

Holidays

I am a jealous person, I see all these tales of people going off on these awesome holidays. I always say, one day that will be me. Sadly, it never has been. I have been on 3 plane based self funded holidays. All to the same place. Melbourne. Don't get me wrong, I love Melbourne (hence the reason I keep going back!) so it was no hardship. However, I have NEVER left the country. For people who live in Europe or even America, this is hard to believe, but I can't just get in a car & drive to another country from here, hell getting to another state takes a good 2 days (of non-stop driving).
  So, I have started planning.. because obviously with a mortgage, 2 kids in a private school & not earning bucket loads of money,  it takes some planning & saving. But where to go?

I have it narrowed down to 3 options:
1) 3 weeks in Melbourne (the other halfs bro lives there) & on the Gold Coast (theme parks!)
2) 3 weeks driving around New Zealand.
3) 6 weeks in Holland/Lithuania/UK.. yes, I said Lithuania!

Why Lithuania I hear you asking? Well, I just read this book called "From Russia with Lunch" by David Smeidt. he decides to go on this pilgrimage to Lithuania to find out more about his Lithuanian grandparents. To cut a long story short, it has inspired me to want to visit the country. I would prefer to go to more off the beaten path places, because I think sometimes, you get a better sense of a country & its history if it hasn't been beaten half to death by a billion tourists. And there are defintely some stories which inspired me, like the Japanese diplomat, based in Vilnius, who probably saved more Jews then Oskar Schindler in WW2, yet is totally unrecognised, except by the people he saved. As well, to visit somewhere like the Hill of Crosses, which sprang up from so few, I think will be something that I will regret not experiencing. So it is off the beaten path we go.. in about 5 - 7 years :)

Oh & for those who may be wondering, the UK & dutch parts of the trip are my own pilgrimages to see where my family has come from.

Another 2 cents...

So.. I usually check out the wiki main page to see whats happening in the world.. and because their articles of the day are usually quite interesting. Today however, I was actually about to vomit. The article was all about "The Human Centipede". For those who haven't heard about it, basically it's a movie about some sick fuck ex-doctor who decides to sew three humans together mouth to anus. That's my 2 second synopsis (I will say here & now, I have not & never will watch this movie).
  
My first point refers to the writer/director... what the fuck? How sick are you  that you would make a movie based on, by all accounts "a joke" and the work of Josef Mengel. The fact that someone would further glorify someone like Mengel who did attrocious things to Jews (among others) well, it defies belief. I am all for artistic expression, but seriously, where is the art in this kind of movie? Really? There is no art in something like this.. not for the majority of us who count ourselves as "normal".

My second point goes to the two sequels. Ok, the first movie was financed by people who didn't know what they were financing (I am giving a HUGE benefit of the doubt here). But the second & third? Backers had to know the kind of twisted shit this movie spat out the first time. But they give the guy MORE money to make it even more depraved & explicit? UNBELIEVABLE. I understand there is a market out there for this kind of crap, but seriously, why give the sociopaths & psychopaths of this world ideas? The second movie is based on this very idea.. giving some sick fuck a great (NOT) idea...

I add this to the SAW movies.. my point being, how can a normal person even THINK that creating this kind of horror for the purpose of making money ok? There is so much horror in the world, why add to it by taking it to an even more extreme level? It scares me to think that there are people out there, who will think these movies are cool & try to emulate or even copy them.. It's a scary scary thing. I think that Britian had the right idea when they originally banned the sequel from release. Such a pity they didn' keep it on the banned list. Why help these sick twisted individuals (because I am sorry, thats what they are) make money?

Interesting Read.. and my two cents

Back on 1200 cals doing the Shannan Ponton Challenge... oh the joys.. can't say I am being super strict with it, nor am I doing the exercise as prescribed, simply due to a lack of time! I am hoping being back at work will make it easier to manage to the intake, but only time will tell. Have lost 1.1kg this week, meaning I need to lose another 700g to get back to where I was pre holidays! I didn't gain wait on holidays.... that happened when I got home!

I am currently reading a book I borrowed off my good friend about the Panther/Big cat myth/truth in australia. It poses some interesting reading and I think is well balanced. Where scientific evidence has shown that some of theses animals are in fact freakishly large feral cats of the domestic variety, they clearly state it. It does however, have me questioning the truth of the matter. I suspect that evolutionary pressure has probably caused feral cats to increase in size, but to the extent of being as large as a lion or puma? I am not so sure! Given the minimal amount of regulation regarding animal importation early in Australia's history(and a campaogn to enlgish up the country by introducing familar plants & anmals), I would guess that big cats have been introduced (either accidentally or deliberately) to the country. Whether they have flourished however, well, I don't think there will be a conclusive answer any time soon. The fact of the matter is, is that there is ALOT of undisturbed open country out there for determinedly reclusive animals to hide in. I dare say the question won't be answered until human expansion forces their paw & they are forced into more urban environments, where hiding is harder.

But thats just my two cents worth.. do I think there are exotic bog cats out there? well....

Holidays!!

Been on holidays for a couple of weeks! and now I am back at work :( 
I am also an aunty again & I lost an uncle.. the circle of life continues!
Holidays were great, gave the diet a break & pretty much just ate what I wanted (&drank!) and miraculously didn't put on weight. I suspect however that I have lost weight as I am REALLY bloated from the onset of TTOM.. the joys!
Exam next week.. then no uni for 3 whole months!! WOOHOO!

Frustration

My oldest will be 5 in 10 days. It's amazing how fast the last 5 years have gone. And now she is at Kindy. She loves it. Although, admittedly she doesn't like having to wear a uniform.

How to say this? I work, I work because I have to, and in part because I want to. But mostly because I have to. So I miss out on some of the drop off/pick ups. So I don't get to be in the "stay at home mum" clique. So my daughter gets left out of pretty much everything. She hardly gets invited to parties & in return, the girls mums aren't bringing their girls to hers. This makes me so very very sad.
These kids are 4 & 5. You shouldn't be teaching them that some kids aren't to be played with or they aren't good enough simply because their mummy (in  this case me) has to work(meaning their mummies can't afford NOT to work). The problem ofcourse is that we don't live in an affluent suburb. Our area is middle of the road. If you have slightly more money, you live in the private estate section & send your kids to the higher priced anglican school. Unless you are catholic in which case they go to the catholic school. Middle of the roaders (& non-demoninational/non-believers) go to the christan college. We chose the school simply because we aren't catholic and we didn't like the public schools(and at the time, the anglican school was not even built!). We are christians though & this school aligns best with our beliefs. But yes, we aren't rich, but to make life more comfortable, I work. Plus it gives me adult time. Totally away from the kids. Does that make me a bad mum? I would rather use my brain then spend my days walking around the shops mindlessly or sitting at home.

I know that I shouldn't care, that in time, the kids desires will take over from what the parents try to do. But see, I know how Eliana will feel when she realises that she is missing out. And it breaks my heart. I went through my school years as the unpopular one, never invited anywhere, never allowed to have friends over(the very rare one I did have). I had a lonely lonely childhood. It never really ended. Even now, I feel that horrible left out loneliness. I guess that is why, in part, I do find it hard to fit in, talk  to new people & make new "friends". I tried obviously to be that popular person & it backfired. I know that is not who I am. And while I don't want my daughter to be like me, or be super popular, I do want her to fit in, be invited places & not feel that horrible sense of being the outcast that I still struggle with today.

Maybe that is part of the problem, the way that I am. Maybe I should make more of an effort to talk to these mums & take the first steps. But oh the fear of that rejection, not for me, but for my daughter. Because she has to be in school with these kids (and their parents) for the next 13 years!

Illness sucks

It comes to every household... sickness.. and then it seems to hang around forever. I have friends who seem always to have some illness in their house. It goes around & around & around. And other friends who pretty much always have one kid with gastro, but thats associated with pretty sucky levels of basic hygiene. Gross. In our house, at the moment, its different strains of colds. The littlest man has had one now for 2 weeks, so we went off to the doc yesterday. Antibiotics are a go. I was sick a couple of weekends ago & now, just when I thought it was all over, I am feeling all yuck. I feel all weak & achy & oh I hope its not the flu. Add to that I seem to be coughing up crap again.. am I ever going to be able to get back into exercise & eating properly?
I have pretty much been eating what I want for the last few weeks, but have miraculously managed to keep losing weight. I've now lost 14kg and am only 2kg away from being under 100kg!! YAY!!!!! But oh, to be able to exercise & make it disappear faster. We've already decided that after our holidays we will be back on 1200cal strict just to kick start things again. Sad to say (or good to say?) I can't wait!

Exhausted

Man flu is the worst disease known to humankind. It afflicts the sufferer with a horrible inability to BE A MAN. My other half suffers from it constantly, thereby meaning he doesn't have to do any of those jobs that he would otherwise have to do, given he thinks that we should have a traditional household, you know, woman does houseowrk etc, man does garden & earns money and womans respect. Newsflash... point 1: the vege patch is only 1/50th of our gardens.. spending ALL your time on them does NOT count as gardening(especially as we rarely get anything from them!). Point 2: I also go out & work for paid employment. But I also have another job, that one is 24hours a day 7 days a week, 365 days a year. No one cares if I am sick, or tired, you still expect me to clean, wash & iron etc etc. I still have to do my job! Point 3: You chose the block of land we built on, insisted you could handle it.. and now you can't, so what are we supposed to do?

Indie book authors.. my new pet hate & best source of material ever

So I love my Kindle, its like the best piece of technology ever. I am a proponent of  "old fashioned books" though, don't get me wrong, but having a kindle has freed me from the burden of always having to carry around a spare book! And it has also opened up the world of indie books.. indie books, like indie movies are put out there but aren't neccessarily quality controlled like the average book. As near as I can figure, most indie books are self published into the ebook format by "authors" who have either not bothered with trying to find a publisher, or who think they don't need one (or can't afford one, so just forgo that part). And while thats all fine & good, I think that perhaps, if you are going to self publish a book & actually sell it for money, then really, invest in an actual editor. Not some random person off the web who says they will do it for free and then actually fucks it up even worse then you already wrote it.
  One book that I read recently, I actually reviewed BEFORE I had even finished it because it was so crappily edited (or not at all as the author guiltily revealed) that it was actually detracting from what was otherwise an excellent plot. Yes, it was that bad. NEVER in history has the english language been so defiled(well in my experience anyway!). NEVER should the would "drug" be used in place of drag, dragged or seemingly unrelated words with totally different meanings! It was horrid to read. And I conveyed this to the author! She encouraged review (obviously after ego stroking) and I reviewed my horror. I've read lots of indie books, but this one defintely takes the cake. Needless to say, she was NOT impressed, but well sorry, you put something out there, expect you will get negative comments. I was nice though (ego-stroking) eventually & said it was ok in the second half & the only thing that saved it was the excellent plot.

But here is the lesson for all those indie writers out there.. if you are going to self publish, I would rather you save, pay the money for a proper editor to review your work & then charge a bit more money for your story. Or alternatively, call me, I will edit it for you for a greatly reduced price.  I actually learnt english & editing skills at school...

Update...

Let me take you back to last Friday.. in the morning I had morning tea with some friends at my place. It was lovely. Fast forward to Friday night & the phone rings.. it's Ms Ambush! She is ringing to have a go at me for NOT INVITING HER TO MORNING TEA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... I was laughing so hard when I got off the phone I gave one of my famous snorts. Is it actually possible to be that arrogant? To assume that you MUST be invited to EVERYTHING? She was swearing & carrying on at me saying how she thought we were friends and why hadn't I called her etc etc? Needless to say, I just simply informed her that the morning tea had nothing to do with her and that I hadn't called because after what she had said the last time I spoke to her,I assumed the friendship was over.  I mean if someone says to you that they don't trust you & don't want to be around you, what else are you to assume?

Oh & newsflash.. your new BFF, the one you are so much better qualified to "save" then me, HATES to be called Rae!

On better news, it was my bday Sat, so with a big night planned Sat, I decided to weigh in on the morning of my bday.. fabulously & shockingly I hit 10kg lost!!! Yay ME! Oh & on measurements, I finally cracked under 30cm for my arms & am close to being under 100 for my wasit!! YAY!!!!!

Feelin Flat

I am trying to muster energy because I know I have to go home & exercise to make up for Sunday's bad food choices.. and todays.. it's so cold in here that I gave up & had sweet & sour chilli pork for lunch.

Bad Me.

Bad beginning, Bad End

So next weekend is my birthday.. and yesterday we had an afternoon tea for my hubbies family. I told him, I don't want much food as I don't want to be confronted with all this yummy stuff and have to try & not eat.. so what does he do? He makes all this yummy stuff.. portugese custard tarts, brie & caramlised leek tarts, Broccoli & Camembert tarts, plus chips, dips & a lemon drizzle cake, which by itself was nearly 400cal per slice. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but when I ask to not have all this food done, but keep it simple, he was all like, but I want to do nice stuff for you.. Which is why I suggested the lemon drizzle cake ( I LOVE this cake!!) figuring, with some chips & ips (which I happil;y ignore) would be plenty. And then there is less temptation.. but ofcourse, he wasn't really making nice stuff for me, he was doing it for his family!

  Needless to say I did binge.. I am feeling it now.. while it was nice to feel full, it is not nice, 15 hours & more later to STILL be feeling full. I am on fruit & salad only today to try & give my poor abused stomach a break.

I DO NOT expect to lose weight this week. However, I have come to a decision and seeing as I get up early to make lunches etc, he can cook dinner so I can exercise & try to minimise the damage! He has now lost more weight then me & he doesn't exercise nor does he follow the diet strictly.. sigh.

Struck Out

So.. after successfull avoiding uncomfortable encounters twice last week, I have dyed my hair.. the exact same shade as Ms. High School.. oops. was NOT intentional, I assure you, the colour I picked out looked mych lighter on the sample!! For some reason though, my hair went really dark with it.. even the hairdresser was a bit shocked! Luckily I wash my hair every night so it will fade fairly fast!!
  Yesterday was again weigh in day.. or weight on day as I like to call it.. 2 meals out on Saturday did not make for a good result.. Hate to think what the scales will say after my holiday!!

Random Thoughts..

Random Thought 1. I am self confessed car singer.. yep thats right I love singing in my car. It is very therapeutic.. have you tried it? I admit though I only do it when alone.. I am under no illusions as to the quality of my singing voice.. favourite artists? JR Richards, Train/Pat Monahan, Poison, Marie Wilson & The Velvet Janes..

Random Thought 2. Why do people who say they "hate" someone turn around and act like are that persons best friend when they are pissed off at you? Ms High School hates my neighbour (finds her annoying & generally doesn't like her for no reason except neighbours kid annoys her autistic one) and avoids her at all cost.. at meeting last night though, was acting like her new bff (according to neighbour, I didn't go.. and for the record, I have not told neighbour how Ms High School feels about her).. Real reason? She knows neighbour will tell me all the stuff she told her.. my view? Yeah fabbo.. you are making your hubbie do FIFO so he can earn shit loads & you thereby avoid work AND have something else to whinge about (ie: 8 days straight with no support).. BUT don't worry your other new BFF(she of the ambush) who wants to be your hero will be there.. unil she gets bored with you too.

Random Thought 3. I put out appeal to my department for items for comfort bags my SIL makes up to give to kids who are being removed from their homes due to abuse. I am completely overwhelmed by the donations that have been given. One in particular was from a 12 year old girl, whose mum told her about it & why I was asking for stuff. She donated her entire months pocket money & asked her mum to take her out so she could by stuff.. So sweet. It is so lovely to see parents who are bringing their kids up  to understand they are lucky to have the luxuries they have and that other kids aren't so fortunate. I only hope I can instill that same sense of selflessness & caring in my kids.

Random Thought 4.. Previous 2 thoughts probably a bit contradictory.. bitchy vs caring.. yeah thats me I am a big ball of contradictoriness.. I just find it frustrating that people are like that.. at least if I don't like someone, I don't try to act like their BFF just to piss off someone else.. it's so not worth it..
  I think we all battle with that bad side of us & the good (well some people don't they just do what they like), but I would hope that when I am bought to account by God, that the good things I have done & the good intentions I have had(because lets face it, sometimes even the best of intentions go awry), will far outweigh the bad things.

Random Thought 5. A good friend of mine got married last week.. I wish him & his new bride all the very best that life has to bring them in their new life together.. Another good friend is getting married tomorrow.. I hope she has a fabulous day, as its been a long time coming & that their married life is everything they hope for xx

Some days...

Why should I continue to feel on edge? I don't know... although it probably has to do with the fact that I don't like confrontation (who does really?!) and if things can be avoided, I will avoid them.. case in point.. there is a PG comittee meeting Thursday night.. Ms High School will be there and I don't want to go & spend the night pretending everything is fabulous, when its not!! And same goes for Saturday night, which is the next mums night.. I am sure Ms Ambush will go just to wind me up (and spend the entire time talking to Ms High Scool & prating on about how fabulous everything is) & I wouldn't put it past her to create a scene so "people can see me for what I really am" as she has said she will happily do that.. for what purpose, I really don't know.. perhaps to make herself feel better.
  But anyway, I am just trying to not think about it.. but then.. I wish I could go back & tell myself right at the point I put out those first tentative feelers of friendship.. don't do it. it's not going to work out well!

Ahh but life wasn't meant to be easy!

Don't you love it when...

You rediscover or finally get around to doing something like listen to an album you haven't listened to in AGES! I've done that today.. JR Richards "A Beautiful End" .. I LOVE him.. his voice is absolutely amazing and he is a fantastic song-writer as well.. ahhh *bliss*

  Combine that with still reading the Anne of Green Gables series (up to Annes house of Dreams) and its a lovely day... but who could resist these two?

Weigh In Day

Sunday = Weigh in  day.. I was NOT expecting good things.. in fact I was terrified of weighing in.. not because I was particularly bad food wise, but more because I was afraid the whole 1200 calorie thing was suddenly not working..
  BUT I lost another 1.6kg bringing my total to 7.5kg & 31cm, so I am quite happy with that :) I only have 4.2kg to go to reach my first mini goal!

NOT an iPhone clone

I have started a trend in my office.. the NO IPHONE trend.. I have this problem with apple products.. all companies do is cosy up to apple so they can make a bit of money off the i(insert product here) juggernaut.. but seriously, how much bang for your buck do you get with an apple product? For what it would have cost me to by a top of the line iPad, I got a much bigger bang for your buck laptop. It does everything an ipad does plus more.. it even has usb LOL.
 But back to the NO IPHONE thing.. I have long had a love affair with Samsung mobiles (ever since Panasonic stopped competing on the mobile phone market) and so I went & bought myself a Samsung galaxy.. I LOVE THAT PHONE. I have a lot of friends who have an iPhone.. they play with my phone and suddenly I have a lot of friends who have a Samsung galaxy. And that trend has continued to the office. It started as a subtle, my samsung beats your apple and took off.. it's now an office full of converts. One of the guys held out til the SG2 came out.. I just wish I had the money to upgrade :)

  Now if only Logitech and all those other apple brown nosers would provide associated products for us non-apple lovers.. well you would be looking at one happy camper :)

A thankyou to someone special

Dear friend

  It has been an up & down decade (or more!) since we met at uni (best day ever I reckon!) and while yes, it has been hard, it has also been wonderful. We have shared all of the wonderful parts of life, getting married, having children as well as some of the hard times. But through it all, there has been one constant.. you & me :)
  And even now, when we don't get to talk to each other as much as what we would like & we live 2 hours apart, I know that I can pick up the phone and talk things through with you. And for this, I am always grateful. I know you feel the same, which makes it even more special.
  So to this week when, after a decade (or more :P) of friendship, we still continue to discover more about ourselves & how similar we really are and for this, I am truly blessed for God has surely put us in each other lives to help, support & love one another through all that life has to show us. Thankyou dear friend, for being you & for making the last decade so much better.. here is to the next however many we are blessed with xx

Shock Horror, I'm not perfect!

So because people like to tell me I am not perfect & I should learn to recognise I am not the centre of the universe, here is a list of my imperfections:

1. I am fat & not particularly attractive because of how much I weigh. BUT I am doing something about this.
2. I am a bitch - yep & newsflash, so are most people when pushed to it.
3. I tend to care too much about friends - sad but true - and then because I am worried say or do the wrong thing unintentionally.
4. Ties in with 3 in that I can sometimes misinterpret things.. WHOA.. like that never happens to anyone else!
5. I am a stubborn mule & when it comes to some things, I will REFUSE to seek help.. just ask my husband.. how long have I felt like I have a thin veneer of pasted on happiness I show the world, while on the inside, I am miserable, lonely & so afraid of doing or saying something that will be taken the wrong way, I usually end up doing just that. Sadly for my husband (& even my real, true friends), I am so good at hiding how I really feel, he probably has no idea to the real extent of how wretched I feel & how much I truly hate myself. Why hide it? because I keep being told over & over, that I have nothing to be sad about, that my life is "perfect" and I have no reason to be depressed.
6. I mull over bad things repeatedly which makes me even sadder and hate myself even more.
7. I am finding it harder & harder to concentrate on the good things in my life, like my beautiful children..

And while I can go on.. I can't.. I write this at work & I am going to completely lose it if I dont stop.

Just a note as well, some of you may be going, OMG this chick is bi-polar or something of the like, but no I know I am not that.. I am depressed ALL of the time, there are no wonderful highs that people who are bi-polar get. And I have also been tested, because for a while I was worried thats what was wrong with me.

A Letter (well more of a note!) for my readers

Hi out there to my readers.. I know there is at least one of you in the great US (well I assume it's the same person) & another in Germany! It's actually quite humbling to know other human beings are reading my daily brain farts ( or rants as the case may be) & the ins & outs of my (not very) interesting life as I travel along this wonderful weight loss jurney haha.

  So please feel free to say hi!

I am my own worst enemy!

Living on a 1200 cal diet for a month now has taught me one thing.. there is NO FLAVOUR... no seasoning (or so little you can't taste it!), no sauces.. NOTHING. So I suspect that my absolute craving for flvour in food will bite me in my giant proverbial tomorrow when I weigh in.
  I KNOW that this diet is so I can look good, feel better & all that stuff, but yes, I am struggling this week.. I think in part it is due to how low I have been feeling with said ex friends attack as well as work, uni etc. So I NEED to get back on track & that starts TOMORROW! More exercise, less food! ONE day at a time!!

Done & Dusted

Well, I have just quit playgroup.. and while I am sad a little bit as in general, the mums were really nice.. but sadly they weren't "Anne of Green Gables" kindred spirits.. and some of them were just plain evil.. So because I don't subscribe to bullying or high school antics, I have cut the ties that bind!
  I have learned a valuable lesson from all of this though and that is that the only person you can trust is yourself. Other people will always try to cut you down & make you feel crap because that's how they feel. The ambush ex-friend complained a while back about how this physio basically said she was a fat unhealthy slob and spent the consultation bringing her down. She remarked (as did her husband) that if she had been depressed, then she probably would have killed herself as thats how bad she was made to feel. Well newsflash, how you spoke to me was exactly the same and yes I am depressed and yes I had the keys in my hand.. I was actually prepared to put myself & my kids in my car & go off to meet my maker. And to be honest I am still fighting that urge. It seems that when things go bad, they GO BAD in everyway. I find my patience with my kids at the very end of what I can tolerate. It's actually a very scary feeling to know that you could happily pick your kids up and shake them just to feel some kind of sick relief. I am sure that this is how mums who kill their kids feel. That they literally feel they have no other option.. I obviously need some more help, but finding someone who you feel isn't going to think you are stupid & that you trust is very hard, especially for me. Experience has sadly taught me to trust no one.

And breathe a sigh of relief!

Yay my first exam is over!! I am so glad though that I am taking the slow option in getting this Grad Dip done..  one unit a semester is managable given work & kids.. Although to be honest I am thinking of changing work days. It has been something I have been considering for a while, the whole PG Bitches have just bought it forward some. And if I change my work days, I can have a 4 day weekend every week! And thats what I call a great thing!!
  So the exam went ok, better then I thought actually because I had had a few feelings about the questions.. and by some divine intervention, those were the questions in the exam! So I didn't get my usual overwhelming sense of panic when I read the questions.
  So the exam went well.. food this week though has hit a massive mine.. Had dinner at my parents on Sunday, ate lots, although mainly veges.. and then some yummy dessert. But last night, I indulged in some maccas.. I couldn't help myself.. So the scales are NOT going to be generous this week!

I am reminded of why I hate studying.

So this year I decided in all my infinite wisdom that it would be a GREAT idea to go back to uni.. and today I am reminded why I hate exams so much.. and I hate them even more when I am also distracted constantly by ABC4Kids & the kids themselves.. I am useless at studying & even worse at remembering stuff when i get in there!

On the weight loss side of things, I lost another 1.1kg bringing my total to 5.1kg in 5 weeks! Yay!

More mundane stuff

So well this blog is supposed to be about my weight loss "jurney"(Ah Garth Montgomery how I miss your blog) so I figured I better give an update..

I have been TRYING to increase my activity levels, but am struggling big time. A combination of not enough hours in the day, me being a person who needs LOTS of sleep & my youngest deciding he can't possibly sleep unless he is ON ME means energy is lacking. I am trying though & went for a walk last night, which was curtailed thanks to some immature little boys trying to spook me (I admit, it worked, if I had been with my old dog, I would have ignored them, but my new dogs just love people too much, plus there were 4 of them & one of me). I will be walking to my husbands work this arvo as well, it's all uphill so = extra calories burned.
On the food side I am also struggling, especially the last couple of days. At a 1200 cal limit per day, it means food is lacking in flavour & variety, which is one of my pet peeves. Every now & then all I want is a nice carbonara or a pie or something.. even a caesar salad would be welcome! So yes, you could say I have been cheating myself a bit.. by adding caesar dressing instead of fat free greek for example.. If this doesn't scream COMFORT EATER I don't know what would! I suppose though I could look on the bright side & say I managed to avod the chocolate mud cake that was sitting on my bench for 2 whole days! And now it is gone as I made my hubby take it to his work!

Why let pathetic people win?

You could say that I am pretty upset still & you would be talking the understatement of the year. After the blasting I copped on Wednesday, needless to say I didn't particularly want to see EITHER person ever again.. so I cancelled my murder mystery night. I seriously don't want these people in my house. Nothing wrong with that you say? Apparently there is, because I copped another spray about lying.. Newsflash, you ring me, abuse me, accuse me & then still expect everything to be hunky dory? I think not. I don't want you in my house, I don't particularly want to see you ever again, & I will actually be going out of my way to make sure that doesn't happen. Remobing negative influences from my life is my right & quite frankly a priority. Having negative influences around = unhappy wife & mother which in turn - unhappy kids & husband.
  Oh & why did I get accused of lying? Well, because I chose to not tell the person who said that they don't trust me & won't be telling me anything anymore, EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT MY DAY! Like hello! Listen to what you said to me.. but then you expect ME to spill all about what goes on in my life.. get stuffed. But here's a newsflash, I know my other friend (not involved in any of this in any way & whom I love dearly, she is a wonderful wonderful human being) alot better then YOU do & I respect (unlike you) that she is also busy & puts herself & her kids first.. and if that means she thought she messaged me but actually hadn't well, I am totally not fussed.. it happens!

It's obviously pick on me day

So my day has just gotten better.. why is it that you always think of the actual stuff you want to say, the stuff that makes you sound not half so pathetic until AFTER you have gotten off the phone or walked away? Because I got ambushed by the other part of the 3 way friendship I have today(and this one is the one I think is probably partly responsible for what is happenening with Ms High School).. and now seriously I just want to kill myself. To be accused of what she accused me of.. well I know it isn't true, but it still makes me feel like just ending it all. Obviously I am such a shit person nobody will miss me.
  And don't think I am blaming everyone else for my mistakes because if I have made one, I will own it.
Maybe my kids & husband would be better off if I just did myself in & let them find a more capable replacement.. they are young, they wont remember me anyway.

So obviously yesterday was all bullsh*t

Yep.. ok, this blog has so become my little vent page thats for sure.. Had PG this morning with the aforementioned "friend"who swears that she has nothing to say & that all is good. Well sorry love, i CALL YOU OUT ON YOUR BULLSHIT. Further I say THIS AINT FUCKING HIGHSCHOOL. GROW UP. You have 2 kids of your own & what, you think its ok to teach them to run from their issues & treat people without even a modicum of decency? Well despite the fact I think my chosen course of action will only re-inforce to you that you think you are acting in the right, I am sick of high school crap. High school was only like a decade ago! So I am resigning from PG & will just instead take my kids to other things like play centres and to other friends places.
  To emphasise that this all isn't in my head, we had a new starter today & within about 10 minutes, she was like, is something going on between you & her.. I just said, as far as I know we are cool, so ask her.. She basically totally blanked me.. but despite her protestations, that she has nothing to say.. well can tell you right now.. all the convo came back to her.. and the same old stories.. obviously she has decided that she just needs a new audience..
  Whatever.. I am over it.. but yes, I can also admit to being hurt. It's not easy to let someone into your life and then be treated like shit for something which was obviously insignificant to me (because I can't even figure out what it was I did or said) but she just chose to take personally.. Sorry for caring about you.. won't make that mistake again.

Grabbing the bull by the horns

So yes had a bit of a rant the other day and can honestly say I have now tried everything to see if/when/if I said or did something offensive.. not that this particular friend would be easily offended. Although she does have lots on her plate & that can make someone super sensitive. Sadly in my case it does cause me to think even less then usual before opening my mouth(and given how much I do have going on at the moment.. well.. has probably happened a bit more then normal)! Which is why I have grabbed the bull by the horns & asked her flat out. No answer.. which to me says either she is definitely NOT talking to me anymore & doesn't even think it worth telling me that it was for whatever reason, or... well actually I don't know another reason.
  OK update, just got a reply.. she reckons all is fine & she just has lots going on.. but given that usually she is chewing my ear off trying to de-stress, well. I have my doubts. Will see how things go.. another update.. she has just said she is sick of talking about the same shit over & over & its driving her up the wall.. sad fact is that the stuff we talk about, is all ANY of us have to talk about.. our husbands, our kids, our work (or lack there of), whats on TV what movies we wanna see etc etc.. its the stuff that life is about.. so saying you are sick of talking about it pretty much means you may as well lock yourself in your house & shut the doors & windows, don't turn on the TV & wait to die.. and it's also pretty bloody self centred to say well I am sick of talking about the same stuff, so we won't talk at all.. but don't worry cause you know, we are still mates.. but then my question is.. are we? because if you don't wanna talk about the same stuff, it pretty much means I can't talk to you and de stress.. doesn't it?!
 
  I am currently reading Anne of Green Gables by L Maud Montgomery. It was always a fave of mine (well the mini-series) as a kid & even now, I can   imagine myself away there.. and of course I always had the biggest crush on Gilbert Blythe! Who didn't! and actually having seen him in the last of the series.. well.. he is still alright in my book ha ha. Actually my husband kind of reminds me of him.. and the other 2 guys I had crushes on as a kid.. Jonathan Knight & Matthew Lloyd.. LOL..

Week 2 Weigh In

Well after an up & down week (ok who am I kidding, mainly down) due to illness, family illness & crappy work situation as well as pretty much no exercise, I miraculously lost 1.2kg, bringing my total to 4kg in 2 weeks.. gotta be happy with that! Add to that I also lost 14.5cm and I was pretty stoked. So thats the good news.. on to the bad...

Does anyone of the few people who read this blog find it hard to open up & make friends? Because I do.. I find it really hard. I am one of those people who once I do open up, will do anything for my friends and I will treat them like family. I have been taken advantage of in the past ofcourse, so I am even more cautious now. But I, like most people get lonely & it is nice to have someone (apart from your husband ofcourse) to talk to. Sadly, I seem to spend most of the time listening to the other persons problems & not really getting to voice what is going on in my world.. and now ofcourse, I have served a purpose & have been cut out. What makes it so hard is that we have things in common & I don't feel that I should have to stop going just because she has decided I have done something (& believe me I have racked my brains trying to figure out if I have done something wrong.. and I come up with nada.. because if I have, I am more then happy to own it) but it just makes life so uncomfortable.. so what to do? I don't know.. I am just hurt & feeling like, what is the point? Maybe I should just make up a friend & that way I can say whatever I like knowing that the other person isn't going to be oversensitive & tell me to bugger off for no real reason.
Ofcourse it could just be me.. maybe I suck as a friend.. yeah thats probably it, because in todays world of  how totally fucking great am I, I am not worshipping the ground they walk on enough.. maybe I didn't tell her how great her new fake boobs look enough.. well newsflash, I am not here to worship you & friendship is a 2 way street.

Rambling Rant over.

ARRRGHHHHHHHH

You'lll have to excuse the language in this post.. I am majorly pissed off..
Just found out the temp guy here has been given a fucking level 4 having only been here like 4 months.. I have been here nearly nearly 4 fricking years!! I work more then I want to (although still only part time) and for this I get punished!! So fucking annoying. Yes I know I can't have everything, but I am already given ALL the stupid drudge work & treated like a second class citizen because I chose to have kids.. I don't get to do ANY special projects & I spend my life doing glorified fucking data entry.. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE.. and bosses wonder why women who choose to have kids choose to stay out of the workforce.. it's because we get treated like we are incapable of doing our jobs anymore!

get me out of here

The perils of work...

So today is another morning tea at work for another collegues birthday.. May/June in my office is possibly the most nightmarish time for anyone considering a diet.. there are literally birthdays every day! And because we all have to provide morning tea, thats a LOT of calories to avoid. However, I am lucky that I am not here everyday so instead of facing the calorie nightmare here, I face the temptation nightmare at home!
  So today I decided to address things smartly.. I have changed the dinner tonight to something low cal (minestrone soup) and have sacrificed my other snacks during the day so I could actually participate in the morning tea without looking like a freak & having to explain why I wasn't eating (although, to be honest, I don't usually eat much in front of other people, I am a hidden binger).  So this all means I am improving right? Well hopefully.. :S

In other news, I have finished my last quiz for uni & now only have my exam to go.. I just hope there isn't too much on DEMS & TINs cause I am useless at that stuff!!

Sick...

So I have caught my kids cold.. hardly surprising given how much they have coughed and spluttered in my face! This fact is NOT helping my weight loss cause. In fact its making it even harder! All I want is to curl up with a hot Milo & a chocolate cookie.. not too much to ask right? Instead I am sitting here with a cup of tea & a banana.. and all I keep telling myself is Think Thin Think Thin.. think about that dress, think about actually being able to wear something sexy for your husband.. that's all I can do! But I am not exercising at the mo, there is only so much I can do when I am sick & while I can go without the yummy comfort foods, I do not have the energy or the willpower to exercise. Yes, this will affect my weigh in, but well, butt, you have a reprieve!

Side note: Currently reading "Centre Stage"by Judy Nunn (Kindle Edition) & loving it! Did I mention I love my Kindle!!

Blow Out

Yep.. had a bit of a blow out yesterday and it reflected this morning on the scales.. I have no excuses that make it OK.. but seriously being sick makes it HARD to stick to 1200 calories a day.. what I wouldn't give for a Brownes Mocha right now. But I better be good!

On unrelated news, I finished reading "Invasion, America" by Alan D Wing (Kindle Version) yesterday.. that man should have invested in an editor or at least a proof reader (spell check anyone?!), Having said that, I think that this book is a MUST READ for just about everyone.. if you think this couldn't possibly happen.. take a look at the news.. and tell me that it couldn't... or that Muslims or any other fruitcake faction out there wouldn't.. because if I remember correctly.. some fruitcakes HAVE flown planes into buildings, blown up night clubs, trains & buses.. all in the name of whatever cause they think worthy.

Weigh In Day

So yesterday was my first "Official Weigh in".. scary.. I had been weighing myself periodically for reassurance that the whole 1200 calories a day deprivation diet was working.. and thus far it was showing results. But there is always that fear that when its official and needs to be recorded, that you have managed to pile it all back on (despite being hungry ALL the time). BUT, I am pleased to say, that in fact, I have lost 2.8kg in 6 days (I changed weigh in day to Sunday instead of Mondays).. so yay!

Day 2 to 5 - Hunger is bad

Well its been a few days.. but that is just because i have had to concentrate on my uni work to get my last assignment handed in. Hopefully I pass. It's hard to know, cause the guy who marks changes what he wants more frequently then I breathe and ALWAYS after submission.
  But back to operation BANISHFAT. So I was doing really well, yesterday (being thursday) I had lost 1.5kgs in only 4 days.. BONUS! But then I crashed and burned people.. I ate choc chip biscuits.. only 3 but still.. I was sooo hungry I just needed to feel food in my stomach. I KNOW the whole point of this lifestyle change is to get skinny(ok, not skinny but at least a healthier weight!) & it nessecitates feeling hungry for a while, but when you have a deadline it is that much harder to be strong. I did however not get the jam & cream donut i was truly craving, so that constitutes a minor win.. doesn't it?
  I know I don't need vast amounts of food to survive (or for that matter fat, sugar & salt loaded) & today I start again (although I still have banished 1.5kg).. mmm cottage cheese...

More honest then I have EVER been.

So today is the first day of the rest of my life.. sounds corny right? Probably is.. but seriously, I have been blaming my fatness on everything under the sun as a way to keep enjoying all those YUMMY foods I LOVE. I'm a size 22 and I weigh over 115kg and I am (nearly) 32 years old.. I have 2 kids & 2 dogs & a great husband who I know I am blessed to have. He can look past the ever expanding fat rolls to see who I am and not many men could do that.
  Yes I do have some hormonal issues which seem to make losing weight hard, but deep down I am just too lazy.. so this blog IS ME BEING HONEST FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.. no one will probably read this, but thats ok.. this is me putting out there, that I am lazy, I like crappy food & TODAY that stops. TODAY I started the Biggest Loser Express Diet as my way to kickstart change because I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror anymore.  And it's no fun always being the fat one where ever I go.
  This is the FATTEST I have ever been (pregnancy excepted) and it is depressing. I look at myself & I want to cry. I am not the most confident person in the world & with every kilo that piles on, the confidence just drains away. Maybe it won't ever come back, but if I can lose some weight, then at least I can hold my head a bit higher.
  Excuse my ramblings, but I type what comes into my head.. :)

 See you on Day Two!