Struck Out

So.. after successfull avoiding uncomfortable encounters twice last week, I have dyed my hair.. the exact same shade as Ms. High School.. oops. was NOT intentional, I assure you, the colour I picked out looked mych lighter on the sample!! For some reason though, my hair went really dark with it.. even the hairdresser was a bit shocked! Luckily I wash my hair every night so it will fade fairly fast!!
  Yesterday was again weigh in day.. or weight on day as I like to call it.. 2 meals out on Saturday did not make for a good result.. Hate to think what the scales will say after my holiday!!

Random Thoughts..

Random Thought 1. I am self confessed car singer.. yep thats right I love singing in my car. It is very therapeutic.. have you tried it? I admit though I only do it when alone.. I am under no illusions as to the quality of my singing voice.. favourite artists? JR Richards, Train/Pat Monahan, Poison, Marie Wilson & The Velvet Janes..

Random Thought 2. Why do people who say they "hate" someone turn around and act like are that persons best friend when they are pissed off at you? Ms High School hates my neighbour (finds her annoying & generally doesn't like her for no reason except neighbours kid annoys her autistic one) and avoids her at all cost.. at meeting last night though, was acting like her new bff (according to neighbour, I didn't go.. and for the record, I have not told neighbour how Ms High School feels about her).. Real reason? She knows neighbour will tell me all the stuff she told her.. my view? Yeah fabbo.. you are making your hubbie do FIFO so he can earn shit loads & you thereby avoid work AND have something else to whinge about (ie: 8 days straight with no support).. BUT don't worry your other new BFF(she of the ambush) who wants to be your hero will be there.. unil she gets bored with you too.

Random Thought 3. I put out appeal to my department for items for comfort bags my SIL makes up to give to kids who are being removed from their homes due to abuse. I am completely overwhelmed by the donations that have been given. One in particular was from a 12 year old girl, whose mum told her about it & why I was asking for stuff. She donated her entire months pocket money & asked her mum to take her out so she could by stuff.. So sweet. It is so lovely to see parents who are bringing their kids up  to understand they are lucky to have the luxuries they have and that other kids aren't so fortunate. I only hope I can instill that same sense of selflessness & caring in my kids.

Random Thought 4.. Previous 2 thoughts probably a bit contradictory.. bitchy vs caring.. yeah thats me I am a big ball of contradictoriness.. I just find it frustrating that people are like that.. at least if I don't like someone, I don't try to act like their BFF just to piss off someone else.. it's so not worth it..
  I think we all battle with that bad side of us & the good (well some people don't they just do what they like), but I would hope that when I am bought to account by God, that the good things I have done & the good intentions I have had(because lets face it, sometimes even the best of intentions go awry), will far outweigh the bad things.

Random Thought 5. A good friend of mine got married last week.. I wish him & his new bride all the very best that life has to bring them in their new life together.. Another good friend is getting married tomorrow.. I hope she has a fabulous day, as its been a long time coming & that their married life is everything they hope for xx

Some days...

Why should I continue to feel on edge? I don't know... although it probably has to do with the fact that I don't like confrontation (who does really?!) and if things can be avoided, I will avoid them.. case in point.. there is a PG comittee meeting Thursday night.. Ms High School will be there and I don't want to go & spend the night pretending everything is fabulous, when its not!! And same goes for Saturday night, which is the next mums night.. I am sure Ms Ambush will go just to wind me up (and spend the entire time talking to Ms High Scool & prating on about how fabulous everything is) & I wouldn't put it past her to create a scene so "people can see me for what I really am" as she has said she will happily do that.. for what purpose, I really don't know.. perhaps to make herself feel better.
  But anyway, I am just trying to not think about it.. but then.. I wish I could go back & tell myself right at the point I put out those first tentative feelers of friendship.. don't do it. it's not going to work out well!

Ahh but life wasn't meant to be easy!

Don't you love it when...

You rediscover or finally get around to doing something like listen to an album you haven't listened to in AGES! I've done that today.. JR Richards "A Beautiful End" .. I LOVE him.. his voice is absolutely amazing and he is a fantastic song-writer as well.. ahhh *bliss*

  Combine that with still reading the Anne of Green Gables series (up to Annes house of Dreams) and its a lovely day... but who could resist these two?

Weigh In Day

Sunday = Weigh in  day.. I was NOT expecting good things.. in fact I was terrified of weighing in.. not because I was particularly bad food wise, but more because I was afraid the whole 1200 calorie thing was suddenly not working..
  BUT I lost another 1.6kg bringing my total to 7.5kg & 31cm, so I am quite happy with that :) I only have 4.2kg to go to reach my first mini goal!

NOT an iPhone clone

I have started a trend in my office.. the NO IPHONE trend.. I have this problem with apple products.. all companies do is cosy up to apple so they can make a bit of money off the i(insert product here) juggernaut.. but seriously, how much bang for your buck do you get with an apple product? For what it would have cost me to by a top of the line iPad, I got a much bigger bang for your buck laptop. It does everything an ipad does plus more.. it even has usb LOL.
 But back to the NO IPHONE thing.. I have long had a love affair with Samsung mobiles (ever since Panasonic stopped competing on the mobile phone market) and so I went & bought myself a Samsung galaxy.. I LOVE THAT PHONE. I have a lot of friends who have an iPhone.. they play with my phone and suddenly I have a lot of friends who have a Samsung galaxy. And that trend has continued to the office. It started as a subtle, my samsung beats your apple and took off.. it's now an office full of converts. One of the guys held out til the SG2 came out.. I just wish I had the money to upgrade :)

  Now if only Logitech and all those other apple brown nosers would provide associated products for us non-apple lovers.. well you would be looking at one happy camper :)

A thankyou to someone special

Dear friend

  It has been an up & down decade (or more!) since we met at uni (best day ever I reckon!) and while yes, it has been hard, it has also been wonderful. We have shared all of the wonderful parts of life, getting married, having children as well as some of the hard times. But through it all, there has been one constant.. you & me :)
  And even now, when we don't get to talk to each other as much as what we would like & we live 2 hours apart, I know that I can pick up the phone and talk things through with you. And for this, I am always grateful. I know you feel the same, which makes it even more special.
  So to this week when, after a decade (or more :P) of friendship, we still continue to discover more about ourselves & how similar we really are and for this, I am truly blessed for God has surely put us in each other lives to help, support & love one another through all that life has to show us. Thankyou dear friend, for being you & for making the last decade so much better.. here is to the next however many we are blessed with xx

Shock Horror, I'm not perfect!

So because people like to tell me I am not perfect & I should learn to recognise I am not the centre of the universe, here is a list of my imperfections:

1. I am fat & not particularly attractive because of how much I weigh. BUT I am doing something about this.
2. I am a bitch - yep & newsflash, so are most people when pushed to it.
3. I tend to care too much about friends - sad but true - and then because I am worried say or do the wrong thing unintentionally.
4. Ties in with 3 in that I can sometimes misinterpret things.. WHOA.. like that never happens to anyone else!
5. I am a stubborn mule & when it comes to some things, I will REFUSE to seek help.. just ask my husband.. how long have I felt like I have a thin veneer of pasted on happiness I show the world, while on the inside, I am miserable, lonely & so afraid of doing or saying something that will be taken the wrong way, I usually end up doing just that. Sadly for my husband (& even my real, true friends), I am so good at hiding how I really feel, he probably has no idea to the real extent of how wretched I feel & how much I truly hate myself. Why hide it? because I keep being told over & over, that I have nothing to be sad about, that my life is "perfect" and I have no reason to be depressed.
6. I mull over bad things repeatedly which makes me even sadder and hate myself even more.
7. I am finding it harder & harder to concentrate on the good things in my life, like my beautiful children..

And while I can go on.. I can't.. I write this at work & I am going to completely lose it if I dont stop.

Just a note as well, some of you may be going, OMG this chick is bi-polar or something of the like, but no I know I am not that.. I am depressed ALL of the time, there are no wonderful highs that people who are bi-polar get. And I have also been tested, because for a while I was worried thats what was wrong with me.

A Letter (well more of a note!) for my readers

Hi out there to my readers.. I know there is at least one of you in the great US (well I assume it's the same person) & another in Germany! It's actually quite humbling to know other human beings are reading my daily brain farts ( or rants as the case may be) & the ins & outs of my (not very) interesting life as I travel along this wonderful weight loss jurney haha.

  So please feel free to say hi!

I am my own worst enemy!

Living on a 1200 cal diet for a month now has taught me one thing.. there is NO FLAVOUR... no seasoning (or so little you can't taste it!), no sauces.. NOTHING. So I suspect that my absolute craving for flvour in food will bite me in my giant proverbial tomorrow when I weigh in.
  I KNOW that this diet is so I can look good, feel better & all that stuff, but yes, I am struggling this week.. I think in part it is due to how low I have been feeling with said ex friends attack as well as work, uni etc. So I NEED to get back on track & that starts TOMORROW! More exercise, less food! ONE day at a time!!

Done & Dusted

Well, I have just quit playgroup.. and while I am sad a little bit as in general, the mums were really nice.. but sadly they weren't "Anne of Green Gables" kindred spirits.. and some of them were just plain evil.. So because I don't subscribe to bullying or high school antics, I have cut the ties that bind!
  I have learned a valuable lesson from all of this though and that is that the only person you can trust is yourself. Other people will always try to cut you down & make you feel crap because that's how they feel. The ambush ex-friend complained a while back about how this physio basically said she was a fat unhealthy slob and spent the consultation bringing her down. She remarked (as did her husband) that if she had been depressed, then she probably would have killed herself as thats how bad she was made to feel. Well newsflash, how you spoke to me was exactly the same and yes I am depressed and yes I had the keys in my hand.. I was actually prepared to put myself & my kids in my car & go off to meet my maker. And to be honest I am still fighting that urge. It seems that when things go bad, they GO BAD in everyway. I find my patience with my kids at the very end of what I can tolerate. It's actually a very scary feeling to know that you could happily pick your kids up and shake them just to feel some kind of sick relief. I am sure that this is how mums who kill their kids feel. That they literally feel they have no other option.. I obviously need some more help, but finding someone who you feel isn't going to think you are stupid & that you trust is very hard, especially for me. Experience has sadly taught me to trust no one.

And breathe a sigh of relief!

Yay my first exam is over!! I am so glad though that I am taking the slow option in getting this Grad Dip done..  one unit a semester is managable given work & kids.. Although to be honest I am thinking of changing work days. It has been something I have been considering for a while, the whole PG Bitches have just bought it forward some. And if I change my work days, I can have a 4 day weekend every week! And thats what I call a great thing!!
  So the exam went ok, better then I thought actually because I had had a few feelings about the questions.. and by some divine intervention, those were the questions in the exam! So I didn't get my usual overwhelming sense of panic when I read the questions.
  So the exam went well.. food this week though has hit a massive mine.. Had dinner at my parents on Sunday, ate lots, although mainly veges.. and then some yummy dessert. But last night, I indulged in some maccas.. I couldn't help myself.. So the scales are NOT going to be generous this week!

I am reminded of why I hate studying.

So this year I decided in all my infinite wisdom that it would be a GREAT idea to go back to uni.. and today I am reminded why I hate exams so much.. and I hate them even more when I am also distracted constantly by ABC4Kids & the kids themselves.. I am useless at studying & even worse at remembering stuff when i get in there!

On the weight loss side of things, I lost another 1.1kg bringing my total to 5.1kg in 5 weeks! Yay!

More mundane stuff

So well this blog is supposed to be about my weight loss "jurney"(Ah Garth Montgomery how I miss your blog) so I figured I better give an update..

I have been TRYING to increase my activity levels, but am struggling big time. A combination of not enough hours in the day, me being a person who needs LOTS of sleep & my youngest deciding he can't possibly sleep unless he is ON ME means energy is lacking. I am trying though & went for a walk last night, which was curtailed thanks to some immature little boys trying to spook me (I admit, it worked, if I had been with my old dog, I would have ignored them, but my new dogs just love people too much, plus there were 4 of them & one of me). I will be walking to my husbands work this arvo as well, it's all uphill so = extra calories burned.
On the food side I am also struggling, especially the last couple of days. At a 1200 cal limit per day, it means food is lacking in flavour & variety, which is one of my pet peeves. Every now & then all I want is a nice carbonara or a pie or something.. even a caesar salad would be welcome! So yes, you could say I have been cheating myself a bit.. by adding caesar dressing instead of fat free greek for example.. If this doesn't scream COMFORT EATER I don't know what would! I suppose though I could look on the bright side & say I managed to avod the chocolate mud cake that was sitting on my bench for 2 whole days! And now it is gone as I made my hubby take it to his work!

Why let pathetic people win?

You could say that I am pretty upset still & you would be talking the understatement of the year. After the blasting I copped on Wednesday, needless to say I didn't particularly want to see EITHER person ever again.. so I cancelled my murder mystery night. I seriously don't want these people in my house. Nothing wrong with that you say? Apparently there is, because I copped another spray about lying.. Newsflash, you ring me, abuse me, accuse me & then still expect everything to be hunky dory? I think not. I don't want you in my house, I don't particularly want to see you ever again, & I will actually be going out of my way to make sure that doesn't happen. Remobing negative influences from my life is my right & quite frankly a priority. Having negative influences around = unhappy wife & mother which in turn - unhappy kids & husband.
  Oh & why did I get accused of lying? Well, because I chose to not tell the person who said that they don't trust me & won't be telling me anything anymore, EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT MY DAY! Like hello! Listen to what you said to me.. but then you expect ME to spill all about what goes on in my life.. get stuffed. But here's a newsflash, I know my other friend (not involved in any of this in any way & whom I love dearly, she is a wonderful wonderful human being) alot better then YOU do & I respect (unlike you) that she is also busy & puts herself & her kids first.. and if that means she thought she messaged me but actually hadn't well, I am totally not fussed.. it happens!

It's obviously pick on me day

So my day has just gotten better.. why is it that you always think of the actual stuff you want to say, the stuff that makes you sound not half so pathetic until AFTER you have gotten off the phone or walked away? Because I got ambushed by the other part of the 3 way friendship I have today(and this one is the one I think is probably partly responsible for what is happenening with Ms High School).. and now seriously I just want to kill myself. To be accused of what she accused me of.. well I know it isn't true, but it still makes me feel like just ending it all. Obviously I am such a shit person nobody will miss me.
  And don't think I am blaming everyone else for my mistakes because if I have made one, I will own it.
Maybe my kids & husband would be better off if I just did myself in & let them find a more capable replacement.. they are young, they wont remember me anyway.

So obviously yesterday was all bullsh*t

Yep.. ok, this blog has so become my little vent page thats for sure.. Had PG this morning with the aforementioned "friend"who swears that she has nothing to say & that all is good. Well sorry love, i CALL YOU OUT ON YOUR BULLSHIT. Further I say THIS AINT FUCKING HIGHSCHOOL. GROW UP. You have 2 kids of your own & what, you think its ok to teach them to run from their issues & treat people without even a modicum of decency? Well despite the fact I think my chosen course of action will only re-inforce to you that you think you are acting in the right, I am sick of high school crap. High school was only like a decade ago! So I am resigning from PG & will just instead take my kids to other things like play centres and to other friends places.
  To emphasise that this all isn't in my head, we had a new starter today & within about 10 minutes, she was like, is something going on between you & her.. I just said, as far as I know we are cool, so ask her.. She basically totally blanked me.. but despite her protestations, that she has nothing to say.. well can tell you right now.. all the convo came back to her.. and the same old stories.. obviously she has decided that she just needs a new audience..
  Whatever.. I am over it.. but yes, I can also admit to being hurt. It's not easy to let someone into your life and then be treated like shit for something which was obviously insignificant to me (because I can't even figure out what it was I did or said) but she just chose to take personally.. Sorry for caring about you.. won't make that mistake again.