Well, I have just quit playgroup.. and while I am sad a little bit as in general, the mums were really nice.. but sadly they weren't "Anne of Green Gables" kindred spirits.. and some of them were just plain evil.. So because I don't subscribe to bullying or high school antics, I have cut the ties that bind!
I have learned a valuable lesson from all of this though and that is that the only person you can trust is yourself. Other people will always try to cut you down & make you feel crap because that's how they feel. The ambush ex-friend complained a while back about how this physio basically said she was a fat unhealthy slob and spent the consultation bringing her down. She remarked (as did her husband) that if she had been depressed, then she probably would have killed herself as thats how bad she was made to feel. Well newsflash, how you spoke to me was exactly the same and yes I am depressed and yes I had the keys in my hand.. I was actually prepared to put myself & my kids in my car & go off to meet my maker. And to be honest I am still fighting that urge. It seems that when things go bad, they GO BAD in everyway. I find my patience with my kids at the very end of what I can tolerate. It's actually a very scary feeling to know that you could happily pick your kids up and shake them just to feel some kind of sick relief. I am sure that this is how mums who kill their kids feel. That they literally feel they have no other option.. I obviously need some more help, but finding someone who you feel isn't going to think you are stupid & that you trust is very hard, especially for me. Experience has sadly taught me to trust no one.
Thursday, 9 June 2011
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
And breathe a sigh of relief!
Yay my first exam is over!! I am so glad though that I am taking the slow option in getting this Grad Dip done.. one unit a semester is managable given work & kids.. Although to be honest I am thinking of changing work days. It has been something I have been considering for a while, the whole PG Bitches have just bought it forward some. And if I change my work days, I can have a 4 day weekend every week! And thats what I call a great thing!!
So the exam went ok, better then I thought actually because I had had a few feelings about the questions.. and by some divine intervention, those were the questions in the exam! So I didn't get my usual overwhelming sense of panic when I read the questions.
So the exam went well.. food this week though has hit a massive mine.. Had dinner at my parents on Sunday, ate lots, although mainly veges.. and then some yummy dessert. But last night, I indulged in some maccas.. I couldn't help myself.. So the scales are NOT going to be generous this week!
So the exam went ok, better then I thought actually because I had had a few feelings about the questions.. and by some divine intervention, those were the questions in the exam! So I didn't get my usual overwhelming sense of panic when I read the questions.
So the exam went well.. food this week though has hit a massive mine.. Had dinner at my parents on Sunday, ate lots, although mainly veges.. and then some yummy dessert. But last night, I indulged in some maccas.. I couldn't help myself.. So the scales are NOT going to be generous this week!
Monday, 6 June 2011
I am reminded of why I hate studying.
So this year I decided in all my infinite wisdom that it would be a GREAT idea to go back to uni.. and today I am reminded why I hate exams so much.. and I hate them even more when I am also distracted constantly by ABC4Kids & the kids themselves.. I am useless at studying & even worse at remembering stuff when i get in there!
On the weight loss side of things, I lost another 1.1kg bringing my total to 5.1kg in 5 weeks! Yay!
On the weight loss side of things, I lost another 1.1kg bringing my total to 5.1kg in 5 weeks! Yay!
Friday, 3 June 2011
More mundane stuff
So well this blog is supposed to be about my weight loss "jurney"(Ah Garth Montgomery how I miss your blog) so I figured I better give an update..
I have been TRYING to increase my activity levels, but am struggling big time. A combination of not enough hours in the day, me being a person who needs LOTS of sleep & my youngest deciding he can't possibly sleep unless he is ON ME means energy is lacking. I am trying though & went for a walk last night, which was curtailed thanks to some immature little boys trying to spook me (I admit, it worked, if I had been with my old dog, I would have ignored them, but my new dogs just love people too much, plus there were 4 of them & one of me). I will be walking to my husbands work this arvo as well, it's all uphill so = extra calories burned.
On the food side I am also struggling, especially the last couple of days. At a 1200 cal limit per day, it means food is lacking in flavour & variety, which is one of my pet peeves. Every now & then all I want is a nice carbonara or a pie or something.. even a caesar salad would be welcome! So yes, you could say I have been cheating myself a bit.. by adding caesar dressing instead of fat free greek for example.. If this doesn't scream COMFORT EATER I don't know what would! I suppose though I could look on the bright side & say I managed to avod the chocolate mud cake that was sitting on my bench for 2 whole days! And now it is gone as I made my hubby take it to his work!
I have been TRYING to increase my activity levels, but am struggling big time. A combination of not enough hours in the day, me being a person who needs LOTS of sleep & my youngest deciding he can't possibly sleep unless he is ON ME means energy is lacking. I am trying though & went for a walk last night, which was curtailed thanks to some immature little boys trying to spook me (I admit, it worked, if I had been with my old dog, I would have ignored them, but my new dogs just love people too much, plus there were 4 of them & one of me). I will be walking to my husbands work this arvo as well, it's all uphill so = extra calories burned.
On the food side I am also struggling, especially the last couple of days. At a 1200 cal limit per day, it means food is lacking in flavour & variety, which is one of my pet peeves. Every now & then all I want is a nice carbonara or a pie or something.. even a caesar salad would be welcome! So yes, you could say I have been cheating myself a bit.. by adding caesar dressing instead of fat free greek for example.. If this doesn't scream COMFORT EATER I don't know what would! I suppose though I could look on the bright side & say I managed to avod the chocolate mud cake that was sitting on my bench for 2 whole days! And now it is gone as I made my hubby take it to his work!
Why let pathetic people win?
You could say that I am pretty upset still & you would be talking the understatement of the year. After the blasting I copped on Wednesday, needless to say I didn't particularly want to see EITHER person ever again.. so I cancelled my murder mystery night. I seriously don't want these people in my house. Nothing wrong with that you say? Apparently there is, because I copped another spray about lying.. Newsflash, you ring me, abuse me, accuse me & then still expect everything to be hunky dory? I think not. I don't want you in my house, I don't particularly want to see you ever again, & I will actually be going out of my way to make sure that doesn't happen. Remobing negative influences from my life is my right & quite frankly a priority. Having negative influences around = unhappy wife & mother which in turn - unhappy kids & husband.
Oh & why did I get accused of lying? Well, because I chose to not tell the person who said that they don't trust me & won't be telling me anything anymore, EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT MY DAY! Like hello! Listen to what you said to me.. but then you expect ME to spill all about what goes on in my life.. get stuffed. But here's a newsflash, I know my other friend (not involved in any of this in any way & whom I love dearly, she is a wonderful wonderful human being) alot better then YOU do & I respect (unlike you) that she is also busy & puts herself & her kids first.. and if that means she thought she messaged me but actually hadn't well, I am totally not fussed.. it happens!
Oh & why did I get accused of lying? Well, because I chose to not tell the person who said that they don't trust me & won't be telling me anything anymore, EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT MY DAY! Like hello! Listen to what you said to me.. but then you expect ME to spill all about what goes on in my life.. get stuffed. But here's a newsflash, I know my other friend (not involved in any of this in any way & whom I love dearly, she is a wonderful wonderful human being) alot better then YOU do & I respect (unlike you) that she is also busy & puts herself & her kids first.. and if that means she thought she messaged me but actually hadn't well, I am totally not fussed.. it happens!
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
It's obviously pick on me day
So my day has just gotten better.. why is it that you always think of the actual stuff you want to say, the stuff that makes you sound not half so pathetic until AFTER you have gotten off the phone or walked away? Because I got ambushed by the other part of the 3 way friendship I have today(and this one is the one I think is probably partly responsible for what is happenening with Ms High School).. and now seriously I just want to kill myself. To be accused of what she accused me of.. well I know it isn't true, but it still makes me feel like just ending it all. Obviously I am such a shit person nobody will miss me.
And don't think I am blaming everyone else for my mistakes because if I have made one, I will own it.
Maybe my kids & husband would be better off if I just did myself in & let them find a more capable replacement.. they are young, they wont remember me anyway.
And don't think I am blaming everyone else for my mistakes because if I have made one, I will own it.
Maybe my kids & husband would be better off if I just did myself in & let them find a more capable replacement.. they are young, they wont remember me anyway.
So obviously yesterday was all bullsh*t
Yep.. ok, this blog has so become my little vent page thats for sure.. Had PG this morning with the aforementioned "friend"who swears that she has nothing to say & that all is good. Well sorry love, i CALL YOU OUT ON YOUR BULLSHIT. Further I say THIS AINT FUCKING HIGHSCHOOL. GROW UP. You have 2 kids of your own & what, you think its ok to teach them to run from their issues & treat people without even a modicum of decency? Well despite the fact I think my chosen course of action will only re-inforce to you that you think you are acting in the right, I am sick of high school crap. High school was only like a decade ago! So I am resigning from PG & will just instead take my kids to other things like play centres and to other friends places.
To emphasise that this all isn't in my head, we had a new starter today & within about 10 minutes, she was like, is something going on between you & her.. I just said, as far as I know we are cool, so ask her.. She basically totally blanked me.. but despite her protestations, that she has nothing to say.. well can tell you right now.. all the convo came back to her.. and the same old stories.. obviously she has decided that she just needs a new audience..
Whatever.. I am over it.. but yes, I can also admit to being hurt. It's not easy to let someone into your life and then be treated like shit for something which was obviously insignificant to me (because I can't even figure out what it was I did or said) but she just chose to take personally.. Sorry for caring about you.. won't make that mistake again.
To emphasise that this all isn't in my head, we had a new starter today & within about 10 minutes, she was like, is something going on between you & her.. I just said, as far as I know we are cool, so ask her.. She basically totally blanked me.. but despite her protestations, that she has nothing to say.. well can tell you right now.. all the convo came back to her.. and the same old stories.. obviously she has decided that she just needs a new audience..
Whatever.. I am over it.. but yes, I can also admit to being hurt. It's not easy to let someone into your life and then be treated like shit for something which was obviously insignificant to me (because I can't even figure out what it was I did or said) but she just chose to take personally.. Sorry for caring about you.. won't make that mistake again.
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