Frustration

My oldest will be 5 in 10 days. It's amazing how fast the last 5 years have gone. And now she is at Kindy. She loves it. Although, admittedly she doesn't like having to wear a uniform.

How to say this? I work, I work because I have to, and in part because I want to. But mostly because I have to. So I miss out on some of the drop off/pick ups. So I don't get to be in the "stay at home mum" clique. So my daughter gets left out of pretty much everything. She hardly gets invited to parties & in return, the girls mums aren't bringing their girls to hers. This makes me so very very sad.
These kids are 4 & 5. You shouldn't be teaching them that some kids aren't to be played with or they aren't good enough simply because their mummy (in  this case me) has to work(meaning their mummies can't afford NOT to work). The problem ofcourse is that we don't live in an affluent suburb. Our area is middle of the road. If you have slightly more money, you live in the private estate section & send your kids to the higher priced anglican school. Unless you are catholic in which case they go to the catholic school. Middle of the roaders (& non-demoninational/non-believers) go to the christan college. We chose the school simply because we aren't catholic and we didn't like the public schools(and at the time, the anglican school was not even built!). We are christians though & this school aligns best with our beliefs. But yes, we aren't rich, but to make life more comfortable, I work. Plus it gives me adult time. Totally away from the kids. Does that make me a bad mum? I would rather use my brain then spend my days walking around the shops mindlessly or sitting at home.

I know that I shouldn't care, that in time, the kids desires will take over from what the parents try to do. But see, I know how Eliana will feel when she realises that she is missing out. And it breaks my heart. I went through my school years as the unpopular one, never invited anywhere, never allowed to have friends over(the very rare one I did have). I had a lonely lonely childhood. It never really ended. Even now, I feel that horrible left out loneliness. I guess that is why, in part, I do find it hard to fit in, talk  to new people & make new "friends". I tried obviously to be that popular person & it backfired. I know that is not who I am. And while I don't want my daughter to be like me, or be super popular, I do want her to fit in, be invited places & not feel that horrible sense of being the outcast that I still struggle with today.

Maybe that is part of the problem, the way that I am. Maybe I should make more of an effort to talk to these mums & take the first steps. But oh the fear of that rejection, not for me, but for my daughter. Because she has to be in school with these kids (and their parents) for the next 13 years!

Illness sucks

It comes to every household... sickness.. and then it seems to hang around forever. I have friends who seem always to have some illness in their house. It goes around & around & around. And other friends who pretty much always have one kid with gastro, but thats associated with pretty sucky levels of basic hygiene. Gross. In our house, at the moment, its different strains of colds. The littlest man has had one now for 2 weeks, so we went off to the doc yesterday. Antibiotics are a go. I was sick a couple of weekends ago & now, just when I thought it was all over, I am feeling all yuck. I feel all weak & achy & oh I hope its not the flu. Add to that I seem to be coughing up crap again.. am I ever going to be able to get back into exercise & eating properly?
I have pretty much been eating what I want for the last few weeks, but have miraculously managed to keep losing weight. I've now lost 14kg and am only 2kg away from being under 100kg!! YAY!!!!! But oh, to be able to exercise & make it disappear faster. We've already decided that after our holidays we will be back on 1200cal strict just to kick start things again. Sad to say (or good to say?) I can't wait!