Frustration

My oldest will be 5 in 10 days. It's amazing how fast the last 5 years have gone. And now she is at Kindy. She loves it. Although, admittedly she doesn't like having to wear a uniform.

How to say this? I work, I work because I have to, and in part because I want to. But mostly because I have to. So I miss out on some of the drop off/pick ups. So I don't get to be in the "stay at home mum" clique. So my daughter gets left out of pretty much everything. She hardly gets invited to parties & in return, the girls mums aren't bringing their girls to hers. This makes me so very very sad.
These kids are 4 & 5. You shouldn't be teaching them that some kids aren't to be played with or they aren't good enough simply because their mummy (in  this case me) has to work(meaning their mummies can't afford NOT to work). The problem ofcourse is that we don't live in an affluent suburb. Our area is middle of the road. If you have slightly more money, you live in the private estate section & send your kids to the higher priced anglican school. Unless you are catholic in which case they go to the catholic school. Middle of the roaders (& non-demoninational/non-believers) go to the christan college. We chose the school simply because we aren't catholic and we didn't like the public schools(and at the time, the anglican school was not even built!). We are christians though & this school aligns best with our beliefs. But yes, we aren't rich, but to make life more comfortable, I work. Plus it gives me adult time. Totally away from the kids. Does that make me a bad mum? I would rather use my brain then spend my days walking around the shops mindlessly or sitting at home.

I know that I shouldn't care, that in time, the kids desires will take over from what the parents try to do. But see, I know how Eliana will feel when she realises that she is missing out. And it breaks my heart. I went through my school years as the unpopular one, never invited anywhere, never allowed to have friends over(the very rare one I did have). I had a lonely lonely childhood. It never really ended. Even now, I feel that horrible left out loneliness. I guess that is why, in part, I do find it hard to fit in, talk  to new people & make new "friends". I tried obviously to be that popular person & it backfired. I know that is not who I am. And while I don't want my daughter to be like me, or be super popular, I do want her to fit in, be invited places & not feel that horrible sense of being the outcast that I still struggle with today.

Maybe that is part of the problem, the way that I am. Maybe I should make more of an effort to talk to these mums & take the first steps. But oh the fear of that rejection, not for me, but for my daughter. Because she has to be in school with these kids (and their parents) for the next 13 years!

Illness sucks

It comes to every household... sickness.. and then it seems to hang around forever. I have friends who seem always to have some illness in their house. It goes around & around & around. And other friends who pretty much always have one kid with gastro, but thats associated with pretty sucky levels of basic hygiene. Gross. In our house, at the moment, its different strains of colds. The littlest man has had one now for 2 weeks, so we went off to the doc yesterday. Antibiotics are a go. I was sick a couple of weekends ago & now, just when I thought it was all over, I am feeling all yuck. I feel all weak & achy & oh I hope its not the flu. Add to that I seem to be coughing up crap again.. am I ever going to be able to get back into exercise & eating properly?
I have pretty much been eating what I want for the last few weeks, but have miraculously managed to keep losing weight. I've now lost 14kg and am only 2kg away from being under 100kg!! YAY!!!!! But oh, to be able to exercise & make it disappear faster. We've already decided that after our holidays we will be back on 1200cal strict just to kick start things again. Sad to say (or good to say?) I can't wait!

Exhausted

Man flu is the worst disease known to humankind. It afflicts the sufferer with a horrible inability to BE A MAN. My other half suffers from it constantly, thereby meaning he doesn't have to do any of those jobs that he would otherwise have to do, given he thinks that we should have a traditional household, you know, woman does houseowrk etc, man does garden & earns money and womans respect. Newsflash... point 1: the vege patch is only 1/50th of our gardens.. spending ALL your time on them does NOT count as gardening(especially as we rarely get anything from them!). Point 2: I also go out & work for paid employment. But I also have another job, that one is 24hours a day 7 days a week, 365 days a year. No one cares if I am sick, or tired, you still expect me to clean, wash & iron etc etc. I still have to do my job! Point 3: You chose the block of land we built on, insisted you could handle it.. and now you can't, so what are we supposed to do?

Indie book authors.. my new pet hate & best source of material ever

So I love my Kindle, its like the best piece of technology ever. I am a proponent of  "old fashioned books" though, don't get me wrong, but having a kindle has freed me from the burden of always having to carry around a spare book! And it has also opened up the world of indie books.. indie books, like indie movies are put out there but aren't neccessarily quality controlled like the average book. As near as I can figure, most indie books are self published into the ebook format by "authors" who have either not bothered with trying to find a publisher, or who think they don't need one (or can't afford one, so just forgo that part). And while thats all fine & good, I think that perhaps, if you are going to self publish a book & actually sell it for money, then really, invest in an actual editor. Not some random person off the web who says they will do it for free and then actually fucks it up even worse then you already wrote it.
  One book that I read recently, I actually reviewed BEFORE I had even finished it because it was so crappily edited (or not at all as the author guiltily revealed) that it was actually detracting from what was otherwise an excellent plot. Yes, it was that bad. NEVER in history has the english language been so defiled(well in my experience anyway!). NEVER should the would "drug" be used in place of drag, dragged or seemingly unrelated words with totally different meanings! It was horrid to read. And I conveyed this to the author! She encouraged review (obviously after ego stroking) and I reviewed my horror. I've read lots of indie books, but this one defintely takes the cake. Needless to say, she was NOT impressed, but well sorry, you put something out there, expect you will get negative comments. I was nice though (ego-stroking) eventually & said it was ok in the second half & the only thing that saved it was the excellent plot.

But here is the lesson for all those indie writers out there.. if you are going to self publish, I would rather you save, pay the money for a proper editor to review your work & then charge a bit more money for your story. Or alternatively, call me, I will edit it for you for a greatly reduced price.  I actually learnt english & editing skills at school...

Update...

Let me take you back to last Friday.. in the morning I had morning tea with some friends at my place. It was lovely. Fast forward to Friday night & the phone rings.. it's Ms Ambush! She is ringing to have a go at me for NOT INVITING HER TO MORNING TEA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... I was laughing so hard when I got off the phone I gave one of my famous snorts. Is it actually possible to be that arrogant? To assume that you MUST be invited to EVERYTHING? She was swearing & carrying on at me saying how she thought we were friends and why hadn't I called her etc etc? Needless to say, I just simply informed her that the morning tea had nothing to do with her and that I hadn't called because after what she had said the last time I spoke to her,I assumed the friendship was over.  I mean if someone says to you that they don't trust you & don't want to be around you, what else are you to assume?

Oh & newsflash.. your new BFF, the one you are so much better qualified to "save" then me, HATES to be called Rae!

On better news, it was my bday Sat, so with a big night planned Sat, I decided to weigh in on the morning of my bday.. fabulously & shockingly I hit 10kg lost!!! Yay ME! Oh & on measurements, I finally cracked under 30cm for my arms & am close to being under 100 for my wasit!! YAY!!!!!

Feelin Flat

I am trying to muster energy because I know I have to go home & exercise to make up for Sunday's bad food choices.. and todays.. it's so cold in here that I gave up & had sweet & sour chilli pork for lunch.

Bad Me.

Bad beginning, Bad End

So next weekend is my birthday.. and yesterday we had an afternoon tea for my hubbies family. I told him, I don't want much food as I don't want to be confronted with all this yummy stuff and have to try & not eat.. so what does he do? He makes all this yummy stuff.. portugese custard tarts, brie & caramlised leek tarts, Broccoli & Camembert tarts, plus chips, dips & a lemon drizzle cake, which by itself was nearly 400cal per slice. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but when I ask to not have all this food done, but keep it simple, he was all like, but I want to do nice stuff for you.. Which is why I suggested the lemon drizzle cake ( I LOVE this cake!!) figuring, with some chips & ips (which I happil;y ignore) would be plenty. And then there is less temptation.. but ofcourse, he wasn't really making nice stuff for me, he was doing it for his family!

  Needless to say I did binge.. I am feeling it now.. while it was nice to feel full, it is not nice, 15 hours & more later to STILL be feeling full. I am on fruit & salad only today to try & give my poor abused stomach a break.

I DO NOT expect to lose weight this week. However, I have come to a decision and seeing as I get up early to make lunches etc, he can cook dinner so I can exercise & try to minimise the damage! He has now lost more weight then me & he doesn't exercise nor does he follow the diet strictly.. sigh.